Teshuvah

A dear friend of mine recently gave me a prayer book to borrow called "Teshuvah - Make Ready for the Lord a People Prepared."  Designed to coincide with Jewish holidays like Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, it is a call to personal individual prayer and prayer on behalf of our nation.  Teshuvah is a Hebrew word that means to "return and repent."  Of all the things to be drawn to upon returning home with a newly adopted baby, this was calling out to me.  I'm a little late, due to the passing of those Jewish holidays in the specific "fall" time of year, thus missing the "appointed" time for Repentance.  Yet, I am immensely thankful to be in a Teshuvah mindset right before the celebration of the first coming of Jesus.  To be prepared for it in a different way than I have before.  I actually had the thought,  "Why would I be drawn to this book and beat myself up even more in this transition time in our family?"  But, that is some old school religious sounding questioning that just isn't true.  I used to operate out of it...very good at "hiding" and repenting or "tip toeing" away and repenting or "keeping a safe distance" and repenting.  The truth is, returning is the best part of Teshuvah and to turn away from the anvil weight of sin before God is the only real refreshment.  Again, why do this now?  Don't I have enough to worry about?  Yeah, thus the need!  I thought I was pretty selfless and patient, until I brought home a new little person that I had to WORK to get to like me.  A mental and emotional "ON" button 24/7 to try and meet her where she is at.  To be totally OK and patient in the midst of a tantrum or understand that it is "normal" when I see behaviors indicative of a child who was impoverished.  One afternoon in our first week home, all of that stuff clogged itself together like rotten scraps in a pipe and I realized it didn't belong and that I didn't want it there.  Ahhhh, the need for Teshuvah.  God, I'm so sorry that this "stuff" was starting to come out.  I need you to clear the drain.  I don't want it there.  Thank you for showing me that it was.  I didn't realize.  Thank you for loving me enough to be clogged up for a bit so you could clean it out.  I need your Holy Spirit deposit of patience, wisdom and great love.  There is a deficit that I need you and you alone to fill.  It is so sweet to return.


Returning is a word that has been forefront in my mind.  I watch sweet Grace all day for her to return to me.  We are being meticulous about her schedule, her routine and her little world in order to establish her sense of safety and constancy.  She explores and investigates, but my heart leaps a little every time she comes running back to me to return to her mama.  When she reaches out to me in the midst of meeting someone new, or like today, when she was in another room and I held a friend's baby for a brief moment and she came around the corner and burst into tears.  She wanted to return and needed to desperately know that she could.  I scooped her up quickly and she looked in my eyes and said "Ahhh" in the same tone I use when we play with her babydoll and I say, "Ahhh, sweet baby" and rock it to sleep.
 In adoption land, we are doing miraculously well.  She likes her family, has fun and plays with us during the day, sleeps 11-12 hours at night and has almost settled into a 2 hour nap.  She loves for us to read to her, eats like a champ and is so chatty for a child with a cleft lip and palate.  She knows 3 signs to communicate and actually has about 10-15 "words" that sound very much like the ones we teach her, just in her modified way of saying them.  If I ask her if she wants to go take a bath, she takes off in her frankenstein baby walk/run to the bathroom yelling in delight!  She understands so much.
And it is what she understands that makes it difficult to.  I am convinced there was a time or times that she went hungry or did not get enough.  There have been some tantrums surrounding food and she eats with such stress sometimes that I know food or the lack thereof is an issue.  This past week, she has decided to push every button I own and test everything concerning me.  It is an over and over again pattern of calmly establishing boundaries and safety.  Praising in abundance the successes.  Firmly standing ground on the important things.  Giving in on the things that are not.  There are heartbreaking behaviors that I know will go in time, but grieve us nonetheless.  Every night, I tuck her bottle under my chin and feed her like an infant, her little body curled up on mine, looking up at my face, covered in my arms.  This is a huge step for her.  She used to want to sit up, facing outward and hold her own bottle and drink it quickly in record time.  She now curls up and even chooses to look at my face now and then as she drinks.  But, as soon as the milk is gone, she literally busts out of my arms as if to say, "I can't trust that I can get too comfortable here.  You might leave.  I take care of myself."  She won't settle.  She is great at fun and crazy play, peek a boo, singing and dancing, but getting too close is getting too serious.  Too committed.   She will often throw a tantrum because she prefers to rock herself to sleep in an almost violent rocking motion in her crib.  This is what she has known and how she has learned to soothe herself.  It destroys us every time we see it.  So, each night, I have worked little by little to encourage her to "rest" and "relax" in my lap, to get sleepy or go to sleep in my arms before she goes in the crib.  This usually involves a tantrum and tonight started the same way.  Sometimes she gets so mad and upset that her kicking and fighting me forces me to put her down.  I always give her the option.  Tonight, she wanted down and laid down on the floor by feet.  If I spoke to her lovingly, she literally turned her body away from me, as if my very voice angered her.  We did this about 3 times, I would pick her up, screaming and kicking and put her down.  The last time, I picked her up and held her like a baby in my arms, with her face looking up at mine.  She became very still.  Then, she took a big breath and sighed.  I felt her body rest.  She chose to return to my arms and rest.  Then, she gave me her mega watt grin that lights up her entire face and we both giggled.  She rested there, playing with my face and hair and I put her to bed sleepy and happy.  Thank you God.  Thank you that you authored the return in every way.  Thank you that you wait for it.  Thank you that I got a needlepoint glimpse of how you must feel every time we do.  The entire day didn't matter when Grace chose me and rested.  It made everything OK and I had been waiting for weeks for her to choose me at night.  How you must too.
So, Teshuvah is where I am at.  A precious place to be in the advent season.  A precious place to be in the attachment season.  A necessary place for my heart to be everyday.


Some of my favorite recent pics for the blog stalkers who just want to see pics of Grace!!!


                                                  Grace and her favorite guy!

"I don't know why we are standing at this fence looking at trees but if this is what we do, I'm in!"

A little blurry, but I love the pjs with sneakers and the sheer fun in playing with a gift bag!

Little Grace and Big Will!

Practicing our relaxed "sighs" and "surprised" response, along with "bye bye!"

This just makes me smile.  I love this picture so much.

Tis the Gift to Be Simple

Four really beautiful reasons to be thankful today.  And everyday.


We decided long before going to China that Thanksgiving would be really simple this year.  Having only been back home for about 4 days, we agreed to not give our household anymore unnecessary stress.  So, I did what I never dreamed I would do and had Rudy's Bar B Q cook my turkey (smoke it to be exact, and some beef brisket, chopped beef, creamed corn and pinto beans...are you salivating?  It is as good as you think!).  The original plan was to actually have them cook everything, but Grace is doing extremely well in the daytime, so with Cory home, I was excited about adding some homemade mashed potatoes and green beans, along with a pumpkin pie and homemade cranberry sauce.  I love Thanksgiving.  I have had the privilege of cooking the full meal several times, on my own and with both of my moms (mine and Cory's) and I believe once with both of them.  I've cooked it in a dorm for students more than once, for family, for friends, sometimes with both present.  I even cooked it one year for visiting PhD's from Japan who watched the Food Network to prepare for the meal (no pressure!).  It would feel weird I thought to keep it so simple.

I thought about my grandmothers a lot today...they both passed away this year within months of each other.  They both had reputations in their prime for being able to feed the masses and do it well with great ease and grace...relatives, neighbors, co-workers, friends, family and often the hungry off the street.  Their homes, back in the day, were the place to be on holidays.  I hope I carry that spark they had.  I was thinking today, that when they were my age, they never would have dreamed of having someone else cook the main course of a holiday dinner, much less add some sides in too.  But I knew my grandmothers in their years long past my age, and I think they both would have applauded.  It was the "life is too short" and "don't miss these years with your babies" comments that floated through my mind today.  In their later years, they knew what was important.  They would have nodded knowingly that Grace needed to be held today a little more and that Will had strep throat and needed a Mom and Dad who could just "go with it."  Oh, they would have loved Grace and laughed their specific laughs at her antics.  Their wisdom of knowing just how "simple" and normal today was but how important and fleeting it is too would have been the sweetest gift to see.  Grace has her Great-Grandma Penn's raspy voice and her Great Grandma Jane's wit.  They would have loved her.

So, we started our Thanksgiving Day at the Urgent Care with Will for what was stated as the "worst case of strep throat" the doctore had ever seen.  Funny how that would have thrown us a year or two ago or even 2 months ago.  Something about being home from China gives perspective.  Will is so cool, we barely knew he was sick.  A nice rash this morning and the comment that his "breath hurt" was the strep clue, despite no sore throat or high fever.  So, we watched the parade and tried to rest, still recovering from our trip.  Grace decided not to nap today, despite our best efforts and despite napping well for days.  No big deal, Dad was home to be the human rocker/jungle gym while I worked on some food for the holiday.  Claire helped with pumpkin pie yesterday (pretty much all herself, due to her wishes to "do it herself"...I have no idea where she gets that!) and Carter wanted to learn to peel and slice potatoes for his favorite mashed potatoes today.  So, we did.  When we finally sat down to dinner, I believe that 3 out of 4 children were crying and Cory uncorked a bottle of wine and said, "Here we go!  Four children!"  I assure you that we were both laughing and at peace...again, just glad to be with our crew and in our home, no matter what the emotional state of the table!  Smiles came quickly as we started to eat and everyone was thankful.  Will, who doesn't really have an appetite, asked if he could just go around the table and give Thanksgiving hugs.  And eat popsicles.  So so sweet.  He did the rounds several times, like a postman delivering Christmas packages, wrapped up in 40 pounds of total heartfelt love.  Carter and Claire were expounding on their favorite dishes and Grace was the most jubilant I have seen her with that meal.  Feet kicking, literally breathless with anticipation over the next new bite I would put in her mouth.  Mashed potatoes, green beans, meat, cranberry sauce...she could not get enough.  It broke my heart and I loved it at the same time!  She ate more than any other of my children and did not stop.  If I paused to get a bite, she yelled out to keep it coming!  At one point, she put a little too much of a yeast roll in her mouth.  We could see it stuck up there and wondered what would happen next.  She paused and blew it out her left nostril, completely in tack.  We cheered.  It was an awesome display of dinnertime skill and totally Thanksgiving table worthy.  Then there was the pumpkin pie.  Grace ate a piece and a half.  I have been teaching her signing over the past week or two, here and there, just to see what she thought.  I had about given up, thinking it was just too much or that she would be like my other babies who were completely amused at my gestures but really had no intention of really ever communicating that way.  Not Grace. We saw our first of many "MORE" hand signs for you guessed it; pumpkin pie.  Over and over again.  Whipped cream and all.

So, it was a simple day.  Not much accomplished that you could check off on paper.  We were missing our families who are far away.  And grateful for friends who asked us over.  But, we were meant to be here at our house.  Home.  Oh, and the few dishes I did cook this year...  it was voted that the green beans and mashed potatoes were the best ever.  Funny how keeping it simple and focusing on just a few things, stress free, with helpful little hands to assist, made it stand above the years past.  Those dishes were on a different level than before.  We really enjoyed them.

Here's to keeping it simple....